Despite song lyrics to the contrary, going downtown on your man is never a trip to the candy shop. But new Masque taste strips containing “taste receptor blockers” aim to take the sometimes-unpleasant taste of semen out of the equation. You didn’t have to coax us to give them a trial run! Here’s what we thought:
The strips’ packaging is incredibly design-forward. You’re not going to be embarrassed to have these babies on your nightstand. The discreet packets are slimmer than a matchbook and are printed with a chic blue-and-brown pattern (think Jonathan Adler–esque wallpaper). As for the actual strips, they’re razor-thin — like breath strips except leaner, if that’s even possible. Flavors are strawberry, watermelon, chocolate, and mango.
We put a strawberry-flavored strip on our tongue and waited for it to dissolve, as the packaging indicated. From there, the preciousness of the packaging went out the window, as our tongue became coated with a gummy substance that was not unlike strawberry, but more like the lovechild of six chocolate-dipped strawberries and a Goodyear tire.
Mixed with saliva, the strip turned into a gooey volcano of sugar. While we were in action, we were able to place the flavor somewhere between McDonald’s sundaes from the ’80s — specifically their tooth-achingly sweet caramel topping — and a brand-new Strawberry Shortcake doll.
All of that, however, is beside the point: The strips work. Masque strips don’t just “mask” his flavor and smell; they firebomb your tastebuds so that no detectable human taste or scent emits from the guy you’re pleasuring. Let’s put it this way: If your boyfriend is Charles Barkley at his pre–Weight Watchers weight, and he’s just hosted a TNT tournament recap under high-intensity set lights, and then played a game of man-to-man basketball against the Dallas Mavericks all by himself, and then sat in rush hour traffic in L.A. for three hours, you won’t smell a thing. The strip we tried lasted well beyond the, ahem, duration of our test — the company says they’ll last at least 10 minutes.
But is experiencing virtually no trace of your partner a good thing? If you can’t tell whether you’re polishing your boyfriend’s penis or a wax candle, doesn’t the act become a little mechanical? Sex is, in theory, supposed to be about people — with all of their differences, preferences, and hangups — coming together. (So to speak.) But if you’re all right with that, and if your man has a big odor problem, Masque strips are going to be your new best friend.
And if you’re a gal who just hates going south, check these out. Bathing his member in synthetic fruit might be preferable to holding your breath and getting it over with already.
As for the rest of you kinky, curious ladies? Get yours at yourmasque.com ($12 for a pack of three). Tell ‘em Sexcerpts sent ya.
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