Like all modern gals on the go, our time is precious. So when we heard that an e-book called Fix Your Relationship in ONE Minute is on sale now, we had to get the dish. Author Jay Fleming-Smith was kind enough to chat with us about what women can do to improve their partnerships — and be happier overall as a result.
Sexcerpts: Hang on, is it really possible to fix a relationship in one minute? How?
Fleming-Smith: “Absolutely! It sounds counterintuitive, but it is definitely possible. When you are dating someone, you can identify pretty quickly if someone is compatible with you or not. Depending on your boundaries, this can take a couple of months or a few years. But it is at that moment that it only takes one minute to evaluate your relationship and to figure out what is right and what is wrong. This is the one minute where you actually decide if your man is the man for you. It is the dreaded crossroads that can appear in your relationship but where you are in charge of your own destiny. Whether you will decide and take control of your emotional life (by leaving or carrying on) in one minute, only you will know. Either way it takes conviction, determination and a lot of courage. Jumping ahead in the future, you might think back of this one minute with relief when you decided to walk away or with fondness when you decided to stay and fight for it.”
What’s the one change that you think many women need to make regarding their approach to relationships?
“They need to stand up for themselves more. Stop always giving a man the benefit of the doubt, forget putting up with his unacceptable behavior, and certainly don’t blame yourself! We live in a society where women have an ever-growing role in business and politics with an unprecedented economic independence compared to their mothers or grandmothers. Does this mean that women have to act like men? On the contrary: It is a question of being treated as equals without losing one’s femininity. It is a fine art and a balancing act but it will save women a lot of time and might lead them much faster to Mr. Right.”
What’s the secret to not dragging out a fight for days, weeks, or even years?
“It’s taking the bull by the horns — addressing the issue that’s the cause of a fight as soon as possible and coming to a solution or compromise. Being in a relationship means accepting each other’s differences. It can be a source of mutual attraction, except for the things we do not like or accept from each other. Two problems can occur. First, silence is a recipe for disaster because silence is consent. Speak up! Secondly, there is no point in addressing the issue unless you come to a compromise and each party sticks to it. You might have to remind each other of this once in a while until harmony has been reached. At the end of the day, a successful relationship is stepping around each other’s little land mines and, more importantly, focusing on the positives.”
Is there one big red flag in a relationship that should signal a woman to dump a guy immediately?
“Apart from the obvious red flags such as infidelity, dishonesty, and verbal or physical abuse, just to name a few, the most dangerous one is also the most invisible one. It is a guy’s behavior that deviates from social expectations. It might seem funny, outrageous, or just plain weird at first, but over time it’s a relationship killer. Examples? The guy who just can’t stop drinking (alcohol problem), the man who at 35 still acts as a kid (immaturity), or the successful man who is full of self-importance (narcissism). Difficult to spot at first, these traits should be carefully analyzed if a pattern emerges. If so, run for the hills, because they need help, and they are not in your future.”
So, what are guys usually thinking about when they’re quiet? And should we stop asking them?
“Assuming the guys are not the quiet types (because then it wouldn’t make any difference), guys are probably digesting something negative and their minds are racing (yes, guys do this also!). Should you stop asking him when you suddenly see him in a quiet mode? Definitely yes! He might sulk for a few hours or days, but eventually he will come to terms with it. And if not, he’ll bring it up. If, however, you do press him for an answer with questions like, ‘What are you thinking about?‘ or ‘Are you okay?,’ the universal programmed responses are ‘Nothing’ and ‘Yep,’ so you might as well not have asked him in the first place. Press him even further, and you are looking for a fight. Leave him be. He will turn around eventually.”
Order Fix Your Relationship in ONE Minute here!
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