It’s always a little awkward to talk about sex when you’re not actually en flagrante, but a new visual addition to an updated classic advice book, Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love: Relationship Repair in a Flash, means you can discuss the deed (and your relationship) without actually having to say anything. We chatted with author and psychotherapist Nancy Dreyfus to get the scoop on this weird but effective tool.
“Written messages to a partner can be the best foreplay to foreplay because they establish an intimate and sincere sense of communion using words, but in a non-verbal channel that keeps partners in their bodies, undefended, and inclined to trusting each other,” she told us. “Written messages can deepen authentic connection without inspiring the kind of wordiness that could end up breaking the mood.”
Here are her favorite cards about sex — and why she likes them.
I want to make love — but only if you are liking me.
Dreyfus says: “A beautiful sentiment that gently sets a boundary while remaining invitational. Highly recommended!”
When we are out of synch, you act like something is very wrong. Nothing’s wrong — we just need to get back in synch….
Dreyfus says: “We have the ideal that making love is the height of our attunement with our partner. If things are initially less than flow-y, we often derail what we started — or, go through the motions. Acknowledging our out of synchness in a friendly, matter-of-fact way can be the hit of togetherness that catapults take two into a truly intimate encounter.”
I’m making up that right now you are feeling sexually deprived. My pattern is to make love to keep you from being upset with me. Let’s do it differently this time.
Dreyfus says: “This kind of message could trigger all manner of defensiveness, blame and over-explaining if The Sender had any tone in their voice that indicated their partner was touchy, demanding or controlling. The written message keeps The Sender on their side of the net, lobbying for a more mature approach — instead of lobbying for a more mature partner!”
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